Sad, disturbing story that's causing quite a bit of controversy.
http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2010/04/09/russia-adoption-tennessee.html
In short, a mother in the U.S. adopts a 7 year old boy from Russia. After having him in her home for some months, she sticks a note on him that she's changed her mind because he's violent and disturbed and has her mother drive him to the airport where he's put on a plane and returned to the Russia.
This is the comment I left on this article,
http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2010/04/09/russia-adoption-tennessee.html
In short, a mother in the U.S. adopts a 7 year old boy from Russia. After having him in her home for some months, she sticks a note on him that she's changed her mind because he's violent and disturbed and has her mother drive him to the airport where he's put on a plane and returned to the Russia.
This is the comment I left on this article,
It's unsurprising if this little boy had emotional and behavioral problems. Such things should be anticipated in these types of situations. Sadly, I've no doubt that whatever emotional issues he may have had at the onset of this adoption have been significantly compounded. He needed love and care. He needed to know that there were people who would be there for him no matter what.
Once you legally adopt a child, the life and care of that child is your responsiblity until he/she is an adult. This is no different than a woman giving birth and then, following a trial period, sending the child back in a cab to the hospital with a note that she'd changed her mind.
The care and raising of a child is an enormous responsiblity. To wipe one's hands of their obligations where another life is involved.....especially when the life is that of an innocent child, is unconscionable.
I know people who adopted a little boy from an orphanage (Vietnamese, I believe). He was in the orphanage from birth and was never held, rocked or shown affection of any kind. He had a plethora of behavioral issues. They stood by him and did their best for him, and no, it was never easy....but that is what they obligated to do when they made the commitment to raise and care for him.
I will hope that there is someone who will see and care about the needs of this little boy. I hope that the damage that has been done by his adoptive family can be countered and that someone can show him his worth and that he deserves to be loved.
As I said in my quote, I appreciate that an unloved, unwanted child who's been raised in a Russian orphanage could have some pretty hefty baggage to deal with. I appreciate that the woman who adopted him could have been unprepared for this baggage and felt very much in over her head. Regardless....he's a little boy. He's not a pair of shoes that you can just package up and send off with a note that they didn't fit.
I've been involved in animal rescue and fostering for some time. There are some pretty strong feelings (all negative) amongst those of us in the rescue world for people who adopt dogs, decide they can't handle them and then abandon or turn them over to the pound. We understand that people don't always realize how much time, effort and commitment are involved in responsible dog ownership, we understand that sometimes people bite off more than they can chew...but that doesn't excuse abandoning one's commitment to a life you have obligated to care for.....and these are dogs.
We're talking about a little boy; a seven year old little boy. Let me put seven years old into perspective for you. Your average seven year old in the U.S. has probably been tying his shoes for a year now and is finally getting pretty good at. He MAY have lost his first tooth and is really excited about getting money from the tooth fairy. He's recently started going to elementary school.
This seven year old thought he had a home and a family and, instead, was taken to the airport and put on a plane to Russia by himself. I can't even imagine how confused and scared he must have been.
I don't care if the adoption agency did misrepresent the situation. This child deserved much better than to be taught, yet again, that he is unloved, unwanted and uncared for. I've seen many "you should walk a mile in the mother's shoes" type comments about this situation and I have to say...some things are simply and inexcusably wrong. If I were to walk a mile in this woman's shoes and emulate her actions, then I would simply and inexcusably be wrong.
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Perhaps this is another result of the belief that a mother's love conquers all. The same belief that single moms have that a mother's love compensates for not having a father, thus filling our prisons.
So, Mommy imagined this wonderful child who would bloom and grow with her mother's love. And, when it didn't work out, she pitched him.
Which reminds me of a couple I know. Mixed ethnic, well educated. They chose to adopt black children rather than make more.
I think they took like four or five, and they have made a strong family which is doing well.
Except for one. He also wanted to burn everything, and even with their professional training and experience with the other kids and all the problems they worked through, this one didn't make it. I don't know where he went, but they just could not get him to live in that family. Is it a coincidence he also wanted to burn everything and everyone? I wonder.
Anonymous age 68
The only silver lining (if you can even call it that) is This mother has drawn huge attention to the conditions and gaps of care with the Russian adoption process, I am sure she is not the first parent to do this. Hopefully this action will spark debate on better conditions within the orphanages, as this is a HUGE embarassment to the Russian govt, on top of this it appears this single mom had no support group at all period, even with a so called "easy child" adoptive parents still need support and a break, Her social worker should of seen the fustrations of the mom and child. So many things went wrong,
I think you should read this: http://english.pravda.ru/society/stories/09-04-2010/112949-russian_boy-0
"This is no different than a woman giving birth and then, following a trial period, sending the child back in a cab to the hospital with a note that she'd changed her mind."
Unfamiliar with "safe haven laws", are we Kim?
Hell, up until two years ago when they finally closed the loophole you could do this for any kid under the age of 18 in Nebraska.
http://www.kcci.com/news/17561455/detail.html
Unfamiliar with "safe haven laws", are we Kim?
Not unfamiliar....sick and disgusted, but not unfamiliar.
Oh Kim, don't think I'm trying to excuse the lady in the story. She's a total shit.
It's just she's basically doing the same thing she could if she'd actually given birth to the adopted kid.
Which I agree is a bit stomach turning.
If you don't want, or are unable to take care of a kid there are far more caring options, like adoption. Or if you choose to end a life, there's abortion.
But I'll never understand how women who have literally dozens of methods of birth control still wind up having kids they can't care for and either murder them and get off scot free, or dump them on someone else.
Oh Kim, don't think I'm trying to excuse the lady in the story.
No worries, TOIA, I didn't think you were. I knew you were just accurately pointing out that such an atrocity is actually allowed in our society. :-)
In reading the Russian response they have every right to be angry and disgusted with this woman. And before we start casting aspersions and say that Russia needs to clean up it's adoption system we should look closer to home.
The American adoption system and social services are far from having a clean track record.
American's seem to think that everyone else's system is broken without examining their own system's faults and weaknesses.
And why is a single woman even adopting a child from another country? The outrage people in Russia feels is that this is a typical part of the American consumerist mindset. If the shoes don't fit return them and get a full refund.
If the kid doesn't work out, return him and demand a full refund.
I want to ask why this woman couldn't adopt an American child and had to adopt a Russian one?
Children are best off with two parents, not a career woman without any experience in raising children. Sounds like she wanted a fully house trained pet but instead got a damaged human being who required a lot of effort to put right.
I'm sicked by today's convenience oriented mindset found in most Americans. A child isn't a pet or a pair of shoes.
I am going to copy and paste the comment I left on the pravada website. After years of focusing on my daughters I have realized that I need to spread the word so that other families don't find themselves in the situation mine is in now.
We adopted two russian girls (10 and 12) from an orpahanage almost 5 years ago. We have been lied to, stolen from on a regular basis, had our signatures forged, been accused of "trying to kill" one of the girls (by the girl herself). We are on our second psychologist. At this present moment we spend approximately $5000 a month on psychology appointments, social workers, resbite workers, special education tutors. These girls are never left alone with my husband for fear they will accuse him of sexual abuse. They have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, Fetal Alchol Syndrom and ADHD. We have now had to hire a full-time live-in nanny in order to help us deal with the issues and drama that constantly surrounds us and these girls. I am in the process of leaving my husband of 13 years (who I love dearly) because it is no longer possible to have my 7 year old biological daugher (who was two when we adopted them) subjected to the constant chaos that their mental and emotional issues they bring to our lives daily. She has listened to every possible name being screamed at her mother....and watched as the girls have tried to come between my husband and myself. Since I cannot send them back - I have utilized every resource available to us with our own funds and have watched my youngest daughter pick up their drama and behaviours I am left with very few options but to ensure that they have the best possible mental health workers, a capable nanny and move to a safe place to raise my daughter alone with specific and purposeful visits to minimize the damage they are causing to her. We were warned several times about Russian and Eastern European children and their Fetal Alchol and Attachment Disorder issues. We chose to ignore and trust that we would be able to love them through whatever issues they may have and give them a better life. Their better life is at the expense of our own bilogical family. I hope that one day when they are on independant (since they are permanently mentally and emotionally disabled we are unsure when they will be capable of living independently - if ever) I may be able to restore my family. The craziest part of it all was that we wanted to adopt more children and had started the process before Ukraine changed their laws and disallowed older child adoptions. Thank God I am dealing with two rather than three right now.......sorry but this is a wide spread issue with adoption from Eastern Europe and it doesn't matter how prepared you think you are - you will never fully realize what it is to live in a home where you have to put locks on every door in your house like a prison to prevent everything you own from being taken from you as well as protect yourself while you are sleeping unless you walk a mile in the shoes of someone who has......alarms to keep people in their rooms - or from running away - from sneaking out at all hours. Constant surveillance from your daughters putting obscene photos of themselves on the internet or chatting with 40 year old men because they don't "know" better. It is never ending and more than a full time job that I don't wish on my worst enemy (we are a family in the medical profession with experience working with marginalized youth, drug addicts, prositiutes, gang members, criminals, hells angels and HIV/hepetitis victims and we ARE STILL UNQUALIFIED AND UNPREPARED FOR LIVING 24/7 WITH THESE CHILDREN). If you are considering adopting a child from Eastern Europe - you may wish to investigate what other families are dealing with first. I was too arrogant or nieve to listen - I lost everything - what are you willing to lose?
Any child can end up with mental problems that are either acquired in the womb, from an accident, or developmentally (the environment). What would she have done if she birthed a child? Who would she throw him to? Naturally, some kind of orphanage, but what would be her excuse? She claims she didn't know that the boy had mental problems and that was her excuse...so what could she use as an excuse if the child was from her own loins?
While her actions are horrific and I believe she should be punished to the full extent of the law, you gotta wonder what that Russian orphanage was up to. The idea that Russia is having troubles with foreign adoptions to the US makes me wonder why they would mislead a person interested in adoption.
Anon age 68, did it occur to you his desire to burn things and people came BEFORE they had him leave the family, and not after? My God.
"If you don't want, or are unable to take care of a kid there are far more caring options, like adoption. Or if you choose to end a life, there's abortion.
But I'll never understand how women who have literally dozens of methods of birth control still wind up having kids they can't care for and either murder them and get off scot free, or dump them on someone else"
Your morals sound a little strange, Tired: how is "dumping" them on someone else different from adoption? And how is abortion a more loving choice than dumping them on someone else?
Thanks for those examples, last Anon. Some kids are overwhelming, beyond the norm.
"What would she have done if she birthed a child? Who would she throw him to?"
She could try to give him guardians or parents professionally trained to help such kids. Adopting an older kid IS different than either giving birth to a child or raising an adopted baby from infancy; it's very different. I'm not saying such kids should be regarded lightly, but it is a different situation. If I had a kid who showed dangerous, uncontrollable violent tendencies, whether they were my kid genetically or not, if it came down to it I would try to have them placed with specialists, hopefully temporarily, to protect myself and my other children.
Having said all this, I do feel horribly for that child. The woman should have tried much harder to care for him, or done the smart thing and not tried to take on a child at all without a father. Doesn't anyone pay attention to statistics anymore? Highest crime rates involve kids without fathers. Maybe mothers too, I'm not sure; point is that kids need two parents.
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